‘good Morning’, if anyone. finds a American flag themed Punisher backpack witha. Confederate Flag truck nuts keychain in or arond nany Pelosi’s office can you please return it to me. on january 6 2020 a Antifa took my pavkpack and entered the caprital building and that is how is got their . it was not me. i was at my domicle huffing Krylon brand spray paints left over from a reading project. aagain the backp ack was stolen from me by a Antifa who had stollen it at that time. it’s is a Very important backpack so could you ‘Please’ return to me asap as possible. it contains it a bag of 100 flexi cuffs, a Palm Pilot, severel knifes, a Shreck Mask, some Straight magazines, and a childrens Pocket Bible. and a penut butter and jelly sandiwches that my wife who made the sandwiches. but Please do not looking inside the back pack. Please the back pack is a family airloom so if it is found can someone please email me at ChristmasFrog88@office.gov. again a BLM put it inside the capital i have never been inside the capital because i do not now how to use doors. ‘Please’ email me about the pack pag! ‘Thank You’ -Ned Truz”
48 in
acrylic and glass bead gel on canvas
2021







I’m a Cop Who Helped Millions in My Community by Selling Supreme Products From the Comfort of My Home. In This Video I’ll Show YOU How to Do the Same in Just Three Months, AND Add a Limited Edition Jeff Koons x White Claw CBD Energy Drink Longboard Keychain to Your Collection. Let’s Go! Airhorn.wav
48 in x 48 in
acrylic and glass bead gel on canvas
2021







What’s up Change-Makers? Good Day, Good Morning, Buenos Dias, How You Guys Doin, I’ll Wait, How You Doin..... Okay Cool Welcome to the Change-Maker Channel, Once Again, This Channel’s All About Positivity and Making a Positive Impact in Your Life! I Just Received My Monthly Haul of Herbalife Capsule Collection Products in This Gorgeous Neoprene Tote, and Y’all, if You’re in on Herbalife You Know Exactly What I Mean When I Say It’s Like Christmas up in This Household! Hold up... Yes This Video Is Going to Be About How to Become a Herbalife Nutrition Distributor Slash Wellness Coach Slash Professional DJ- I’m Giving You a Very Basic Yet Very Concrete Tips and Tools to Make a Decision and How to Basically Start, Very Basic - There’s So Much More That Goes Into It but I’m Giving You Basic in This Video. So Turn Your Volume Alllllll the Way up and Come on Into the Zen Zone AKA My Personal Shipping Container That I Need to Store All These Amazing Products Because I Am a Woman and I’m Entitled to Have Choices. Ch-Ch-Ch-Choices!
45 in x 60 in
acrylic and glass bead gel on canvas
2021







Okay Okay Okay Okay Okay I Got One: Would You Rather Slip on a Spilled Tangerine Zima and Accidentally French Kiss a Witch Live on MTV in The Audience of Papa Roach’s New Years Eve 2001 Performance of Nirvana’s ‘Lithium,’ and The Witch in That Moment Casts a Spell on You in The Form of a Specific Type of Face Blindness That Causes You to Mistake Everyone for Nick Nolte and You Can Only Pause the Spell by Saying ‘Awesome-Sauce!’ Three Times While Smiling, OR Return a $5 Bill to a Cop Whose Pocket it Fell Out of While He Was Mercilessly Beating a Peaceful Protestor?
36 in x 36 in
acrylic and glass bead gel on canvas over panel
2020







Okay Okay Okay, Would You Rather Die Swallowing 6 Rolls of Quarters and a Tablespoon of Whey Protein Powder in Front of a Group of Junior Snowboarding Instructors in Aspen Who Bet You $500 You Couldn’t Recite All The Lyrics to ‘Semi-Charmed Life’ and You Were Positive You Could Except You Forgot The Part That They Leave Off The Radio For Time and You Panicked and Said Some Lyrics From Crazy Town’s ‘Butterfly’ Instead, OR Hold a Cop’s Hand For 15 Seconds While Sustaining Eye Contact?
36 in x 36 in
acrylic and glass bead gel on canvas over panel
2020







A note from the director to our valued customers: We here at The Museum of Contemporary Abstraction at Exxon-Mobil University in Fort Lauderdale stand against racism in any form. We loathe it, we espouse it. That’s why this month, we are thrilled to announce we will be dedicating 10% of online viewing room ticket sales from our current exhibition ’White Noise: Apolitical Soundscapes in the Age of Partisanship” towards combating systemic racism in our society. We cannot live in a racist society and so we are committed to do our part in fighting against it, now, and always. Again, we are NOT racist, so please don’t think that we are! To the extent that we as an institution benefit from, participate in, perpetuate and even theoretically enforce the systems of oppression at work in this country as pointed out to us at length on our most recent instagram post, please believe us that we are very, very sorry. We regret our part in all of this whatever it may be so thank you for bringing it to our attention. We were shocked and saddened to learn that our programming and internal power structure could be so misinterpreted as to suggest a possible culture of exclusion and racial insensitivity. Rest assured, this is NOT and never has been our intention! Our mission has always been simply to showcase cutting-edge, contemporary works of abstraction by esteemed and industry-vetted artists from ALL backgrounds. However, we are committed to learning and growing from this very important movement so we appreciate our customers’ relentless drive to educate us and hold us accountable! That said, please stop sending the mean emails, they are actually very hurtful because we really are trying so very hard to do the right thing and have spent so much time crying this week, you would not believe the pain we are in over this. It’s been really hard. That is why we turned off the comments on the aforementioned post, which we now see the error in doing and we are very sorry about that as well. Anyway, that’s why we’re donating 100% of the 10% of ticket sales this month, as I said. Additionally, the home page of our website will remain completely black for the duration of this week, in solidarity with our brothers and sisters in the movement. It’s essential that we all pitch in to combat racism, and as allies, we are dedicated to doing all we can! Let’s wipe out racism together.
36 in x 36 in
acrylic and glass bead gel on canvas over panel
2020







It’s not that I don’t like the lemon squares, Craig, I’m just still feeling a little upset and well, frankly emotionally exhausted from today. First, the problem with the NutriBullet - I’m sick of this cheap China garbage your mother always gives us, I told you we should have gotten the Vitamix. You know I can’t do my morning Yelp reviews if my acai bowl is chunky. I’m sorry, but it’s true! I literally had to pour it out but Guillermo was still working on the sink - I swear he is just milking us for more money, there’s no way it takes more than 30 minutes to do whatever it is that he’s doing down there. And I can feel him looking at me when I’m doing my pilates. It’s really creepy, Craig. Anyway, I dumped it out behind the last row of rose bushes but Juanita was mulching nearby and I could just sense from her that she had some problem with it, of course. She muttered something, I have no idea what, something about bees, it sounded like. Who knows. I think she is the one who is stealing our mail, did I tell you that? Oh but then the whole situation when I went to pick up the ice cream cake for Bailey’s half-birthday, and that weird man threatened me in the parking lot. Yes, Craig it WAS actually very frightening, I simply asked to see his receipt because it’s a private parking lot for customers only, and he lied and told me he was the owner of the store - how ridiculous! I told you the cops were very nice and came right away, but in the meantime he had started filming me on his cell phone and I just felt so vulnerable, Craig. I’m still shaken up. Do I look pale? I feel like I’m still very pale from it. Luckily they took him away but who knows what he was up to, I hate to think what could have happened if I hadn’t had done something. Not to be racist but I just never see African Americans in this part of town, and I’m supposed to believe he owns Frosty Paws? And then of course the cake was starting to melt during all this, so now I have to deal with this sticky spot on the back seat on top of everything else. Do you think Guillermo can do anything about it or should I take it to the dealership? Well, I don’t know, Craig! You’re the one who wanted the BMW over the Lexus, how am I supposed to know how BMW leather works? Anyway, it’s been a stressful day, to say the least. I’m just so tired. I'm going to take a Xanax and fall asleep to Gone With The Wind.
50 in x 70 in
acrylic and glass bead gel on canvas
2020







Excuse me, can I help you? Well, I’m a customer here, are you? No? Well then what are you doing here if you don’t mind my asking? Oh, really? Do you have proof of that? I don’t have to prove anything to you, do you have proof? Do you have proof? Please don’t film me, that’s harassment. You are not allowed to film me. I am not harassing you, you are harassing me. You are harassing me by being here, this is private- I am a customer here and I would like to be able to pick up an ice cream cake for my golden retriever’s half birthday in peace without being threatened. Oh this is your store? Really? I highly doubt that. I highly doubt that. I highly doubt you know the first thing about dog ice cream cakes. Okay, well we’ll just see what the police have to say about that. Yes, I will. Yes, I will call. I’m calling right now. Go ahead and film me. You are breaking the law and I- Yes, hello? Yes, I am in the parking lot of Frosty Paws on Magnolia Street and Buttercup Court and there is a man here in the parking lot threatening me. Yes. African American. Yes. I don’t see one but he has a tote bag, he could have one in there, I can’t tell. Yes- Excuse me I’m not talking to you. I’m not talking to you, I’m on the phone with the police, please leave me alone. I don’t care if- Yes, please come quickly I’m terribly afraid. I am simply trying to get home with this ice cream cake for my golden retriever, Bailey’s half-birthday and I- yes, thank you. He is four and a half. Thank you so much. He is a good boy. Yes. I will pass that on to him. Sir, please don’t talk to me, I am speaking with the police. Yes, he was a rescue. Thank you, yes, we are very proud, he has come a long way. Excuse me, please don’t aim that phone at me like that, you are threatening me and I’m extremely uncomfortable and you need to leave. You already said that and I don’t believe you, no. Would the owner of Frosty Paws be out here loitering in the parking lot like this? What are you doing out here? Yes, it is my business. Yes it is my business what goes on in the golden retriever community. Look, my ice cream cake is melting now because of you, this is destruction of private property. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. You better believe I’ll be pressing charges. Please don’t talk to me I’m still on the phone with the police. Yes, I’m still here, he is melting my ice cream cake and harassing me. Thank you, please hurry.
50 in x 70 in
acrylic and glass bead gel on canvas
2020







Here at Penetron, Our Focus Has Always Been The Well-Being of Our Customers. Consumers. Our American Consumers. Penetron’s Focus Has Always Been The Well-Being of The American People, Including Our Many Valued Customers. Which is Why We’re Offering These Plastic Bins. Which is Why We Are Offering These- Alright. Okay. Here at Penetron, The Nation’s Leading Producer of All-Purpose High-Density Polyethylene Bins, We Aim To Serve and Protect. Accordingly, in Light of Some Recent and Ongoing Events, We Encourage You to Take Advantage of This One-Time-Only Offer and Stock Up on Bins For Your Family. Look - Here at Penetron, We Make American Bins, For The American People. And, In These Uncertain Times, We Need Bins Now More Than Ever. So Help Us Help You. We Really Want You to Get The Bins. What I’m Trying to Say is, We Care Deeply About The Safety of Our Marketbase. That Means You! There Are Many Ways to Use The Bins. Please Use Code BEWELL2020 at Checkout When You Get The Bins. We Are Caring About You. Please Choose Our Bins.
60 in x 60 in
acrylic and glass bead gel on canvas
2020







I Don’t Know Man, I’m Just Telling You What Chad Phillips the Cruise Director Told Me, and Unless Anyone Can Think of a Reason Chad Would Lie About This, I’m Gonna Go Get My Juggalo Gear on Because I Want to Be Front and Center When Coldplay Takes the Stage for Their Acoustic Set at 7pm.
50 in
acrylic and glass bead gel on canvas
2019







I Don’t Know Man, I’m Just Telling You What Linda Crimini the Cruise Director Told Me, and I’m Inclined to Believe Any Cruise Director With a PhD in Nuclear Psychology Who Suggests I Do Exactly What I Want at All Times.
50 in
acrylic and glass bead gel on canvas
2019







I Don’t Know Man, I’m Just Telling You What Ken Purdy the Cruise Director Told Me, So If I Were You I’d Be Throwing All My Books in the Incinerator Right Now Because the Earth Is Flat, My Friend.
50 in
acrylic and glass bead gel on canvas
2019







I Don’t Know Man, I’m Just Telling You What Christopher Von Pellier the Cruise Director Told Me, and Knowing Christopher Von Pellier, If I Were You I Would Write That Man a Check for $6,500, Stick It Under the Wiper of His ’94 Pontiac Sunbird First Thing Tomorrow Morning, and Get the Fuck Out of Manitoba Before He Figures Out It Was You Who Ran Your Segway Over His Pet Snake When It Was Loose on Wednesday
30 in
acrylic and glass bead gel on canvas
2019







We Lock Eyes Over a Bin of Discounted Top Ramen Outside Closeout Heaven, and the World - This Sick, Twisted, Beautiful Fucked up World- Utterly Stops. The Yelling Man, the Wafting Smell of Rotting Shrimp, the Hot Wet Air, the Shredded Tarp Blowing in the Tree, the Blood Soaking Into the Sidewalk-Grave, the Existential Misery of the Dreadlocked Cat- It All Stops. And We Begin.
42 in
acrylic and glass bead gel on canvas
2019







You, With Your Stolen Acoustic Guitar and Well-Worn Patchwork Corduroy Vest; Me With My Balenciaga Unicycle and Lofty Ambitions; My Ethically Non-Monogomous Partner Visiting From Phoenix With His Linen Pants and Heirloom Tambourine; Your Unethically Monogomous Partner With Her Dead Eyes and Cambodian Flute; Her Cousin and His Dewey Skin, Astrological Hand Tattoos and Palpable Maladjustment Issues. There We Were.
20 x 24 in
acrylic and glass bead gel on canvas over panel
2019







And. The Thing. The Thing That Brought Us All Here to Closeout Heaven. The Thing That We Have on Our Persons at All Times, for Some as a Matter of Principle and Others a Matter of Safety. This Thing That Led Us Together, and Would Eventually Tear Us Violently, Irreversibly Apart – a Discontinued Mini Bekeychained Bottle of Extra Virgin Coconut Oil Discounted From $4.99 to $3.99 on Weekdays, Which, Now Dangling Prominently From Our Respective Septum Piercings, Glints in the Blinding Light of Our Newly Shared Aura.
72 in
acrylic and glass bead gel on canvas
2019







The Five of Us All Somehow, Impossibly, Lock Together in a Tangled Web of Sustained, Boundaryless Eye Contact While Our Heartbeats Synchronize and Our Breath Merges Into One Long, Slow, Shared Gasp as We Understand... We Are One. We Each Take a Packet of Ramen, Tear the Wrapper off With Our Teeth and Crush the Bricks in Our Hands, Letting the Pieces Tumble Through Our Fingers Like the Scraps of Time and Space Falling Away Around Us, as If to Say, There but by the Grace of Our All- Encompassing Psychic Connection Go We. Mitchell Solieri and the Easy Rollers Are Formed.
48 x 60 in
acrylic and glass bead gel on canvas over panel
2019







That Was 1996. If You Had Told Me That Over the Course of the Next 30 Years I Would Become Inextricably Wrapped up in a Hapless Cult Supported by a Complex Multilevel Marketing Scheme Designed to Promote and Circulate Solieri's Self-Published Book (More of a Pamphlet, and Later an E-Book), "The Whiteness of Cauliflower: A Bespoke Guide to the Arian Race," I Would Have Called You Crazy. But, That's Exactly What Happened.
20 x 24 in
acrylic and glass bead gel on canvas over panel
2019







The Book, Featuring a Foreword by Rand Paul's Former Babysitter, Was a Scattered Attempt to Assert the Superiority of the "White Race" by Citing Their Cultural Innovations During the 21st Century. The Midwestern Tradition of Styling Cupcakes and Cheese Balls Into Small Footballs Was Lauded, as Were Capris, and Nostalgic Civil-War Era Fetish Music Like Mumford and Sons. He Also Credited Whites With Inventing the Ubiquitous Suburban Banh Mi Taco, Though Aside From the Callous Efficiency of Fast- Fusion, in Its Violent Practice of Killing Two Beautiful, "Ethnic" Birds With One Plymouth Rock, This Attribution Seemed Wholly Misguided. But, I Digress. There Were More Glaring Fallacies.
60 x 60 in
acrylic and glass bead gel on canvas over panel
2019







Solieri Asserted, for Example, That Kid Rock Invented Rock and Roll in 1998 With the Release of His Hit Album "Devil Without a Cause." Patently False on Premise, at Minimum the Idea Even Managed to Overlook Rock's Earlier Albums "Early Mornin' Stoned PIMP" (1996), "The Polyfuze Method" (1993), and "Grits Sandwiches for Breakfast" (1990). Though, to Be Fair, These Were More Rap Oriented. A Separate Issue. He Also Suggested That Peanut Butter, Widely Known to Have Been Invented by Marcellus Gilmore Edson in 1884, Was in Fact Invented by Ed Koch in 1992, Though He Cited No Evidence to Support This.
60 x 60 in
acrylic and glass bead gel on canvas over panel
2019







It's Hard to Say If Mitchell Solieri and the Easy Rollers the Cult or Mitchell Solieri and the Easy Rollers the Band Came First. In Truth, They Were Inextricably Linked; As Incestuously Intertwined as the Members Ourselves. By 2004 We Had Fifteen Children Between the Five of Us, Most of Them Fathered by Solieri. Baby Arugula, Baby Kale, Empathy, Carafe, Quinoa- Casserole, Meritocracy, Ambien, Broth, Paleo-Enron, Facade, Verizon, Rod Zombie, Asiago, Hugh Saturation Lightness, and Brodhi Would All Eventually Become Cops.
78 x 56 in
acrylic and glass bead gel on canvas
2019







In Addition to Their Getting Septum Piercings at Birth, Solieri Insisted That Until Age 14 The Children All Wear Beige Drop- Crotch Sweatpants When in Public, Which We Were Tasked With Fashioning Ourselves as the Modern Version Didn't yet Exist. Solieri Would Eventually Take Credit for the Invention in His Book, and in 2013 Attempted to Collect Damages for Copyright Infringement by Sueing the Fashion Retailer Pants Pantry on Judge Mathis. The Episode Famously Derailed When Judge Mathis Became Aware of the Premise of Solieri's Book, and Pinned Him up Against the Bench, Yelling "You Don't Even Know What Pants Are! I'm a Fucking Judge, God Dammit!" The Band Didn't Fare Much Better.
72 x 96 in
acrylic and glass bead gel on canvas
2019







Aside From Our Hit "Ass, Gas or Grass (Manifest Destiny)" Which Had a Short-Lived Run on VH1 Canada's Pop up Video, Mitchell Solieri and the Easy Rollers Didn't See Much Success. The Cost of Gas Alone for a Touring Box Truck Outfitted for Five Adults and Fifteen Children Far Outweighed the Profits From Book Sales, and New Age Ska With White Nationalist Undertones as a Genre Never Really Took off in the U.S. the Way It Did in Eastern Europe. That Became Apparent When an Audience Member at the 2004 Best Buy Skank for DVD's Event in Myrtle Beach Hurled a 15oz Tub of Ricotta Cheese Onstage During Our Song "Fist Full of Grapenuts."
72 x 96 in
acrylic and glass bead gel on canvas
2019







Broth Was the First to Abandon Our Commonly Held Ethos Around the Mini Bekeychained Bottles of Extra Virgin Coconut Oil, Having Drafted an Email to All of Us Airing His Grievances With the Product, and Then With Each of Us. It Was the First in a Series of Escalating Transgressions That Culminated in the Now-Infamous Crudities Incident, the Specifics of Which Are Frankly Too Disturbing to Describe During This Moth Story Slam, but Suffice It to Say That the Pivotal Moment Was the Reason Michael Keaton Still to This Day Cannot Even Look at a French Breakfast Radish, and Sparked the Series of Events Leading to the Show Horse That Was Present for the Iceberg Wedging Ceremony Having to Be Shot and Killed After Getting Its Leg Stuck in the Queso Fountain.
50 x 70 in
acrylic and glass bead gel on canvas
2019







I Wouldn't Say Ambien's Sudden, Unexplained Resignation From Her 4-Year Position as Junior Assistant to the Head of Brand Manipulation for the Nashua, New Hampshire Police Department Had "Everything" to Do With the Corporate "Diversity Appreciation" Luncheon on August 9th Where She Debuted Her New, Novelty Cornrows From Her Vacation to Turks and Caicos, and Then Refused to Back Down During a Heated Exchange With Denise From Accounting That Resulted in an Overturned Shrimp Cocktail, but Yes It Was Due at Least in Small Part to That Incident, Though as Her Mother I Feel Compelled to Clarify That It Was Also Because of Her Growing Interest in Aerospace Engineering. No Further Comments. I'd Be Happy to Answer Any More Questions About the Cult.
72 x 72 in
acrylic and glass bead gel on canvas
2019







Yes. Basically. Well, No. Not Exactly. It's Complicated. For the Most Part, Yes. For All Intents and Purposes. Simply Put, Yes, I Am in the Position I Am in Today, as Spiritual Advisor to Celebrities Like John Hamm and Cher, Because of the Social Currency I Levereged After Defecting From Mitchell Solieri and the Holy Rollers in 2012 and Selling My Story to Us Weekly, but, No, I Don’t Feel I Have Profited From Solieri’s White Nationalist Agenda. But, Yes, Naturally I Have Benefited From White Supremacy in General by Virtue of Being White. How Else Could I Have Gotten Paleo-Enron Into Princeton?
48 x 60 in
acrylic and glass bead gel on canvas over panel
2019







Western Values Getting You Down? Donate Your Eggs Today To Gain Access To Our Special Membership Bonuses And Bask In The Glow of This 4:39 am Flash Mob Live Streaming From The Parking Lot of America Liquors In Beautiful Downtown Breckinridge!
48 x 60 in
acrylic and pumice gel on canvas over panel
2019







Woman 2, II
70 x 50 in
acrylic and pumice gel on canvas
2019







Woman 1, II
70 x 50 in
acrylic and pumice gel on canvas
2019







Suffocate Your Latest Emotions With This Set of Miniature 14 Karat Gold Dildos, Available For a Limited Time For 69 Easy Installments of $14.99
50 x 70 in
acrylic and pumice gel on canvas
2019







WOW These 14 Charcuterie Fails Will Make Your Skin Just Fucking Crawl
48 x 60 in
acrylic and pumice gel on canvas over panel
2019







Guess These 25 Sex Offenders Elected to Congress And Be Entered To Win A Chance To Meet The Domesticated Iguana Who Will Read Your Future In This 3,000 Year Old Haunted Pot of Fondue
50 in
acrylic and pumice gel on canvas
2019







Global Warming, Paul Hollywood's Penchant For Subprime Loans, and Varied Deviant Transgressions: The Dark Truth Behind The Great British Baking Show
48 x 48 in
acrylic and pumice gel on canvas over panel
2019







Turn Up The Brightness On Your Life! How To Choose The Right Horse For Galloping Head-On Into Your Darkness!
30 in
acrylic and pumice gel on canvas
2019







Wow! This New Liquid Cheese Product By The Makers of OxyContin Is The ONLY Proven Way To Fill Your Bottomless Pit of Existential Longing Because of Its Unique Chemical Composition Derived From Freon-Soluble Megaplastics Salvaged From a Staten Island Playground. Stay Present By Creating Some Adversity For Yourself AND Satisfying Those Late Night Cravings!
50 in
acrylic and pumice gel on canvas
2019







Man As Bread; Bread As Man: The Hidden Properties of Carbohydrates As Revealed In These Grocery Store Hacks Could Possibly Change The Way You Look At Jeff Bezos' Shiny Bald Dome. Manifest Destiny!
60 x 60 in
acrylic and pumice gel on canvas over panel
2018







Customers Also Bought: Celebrity Chef Sex Tape Highlights of 2006 - Where Are They Now DVD/Calendar Combo Pak
48 x 60 in
acrylic and pumice gel on canvas over panel
2018







Fear of Intimacy? Break Out That Cheese Grater! Complete This Personalized Grain-Intolerance Survey And Gain Access To Hundreds of New, Subtle Strategies For Pushing Him Away Using Only Kitchen Tools And a Few Race and Gender-Based Perspectives On Privilege
48 x 48 in
acrylic and pumice gel on canvas over panel
2018







The Moment This Cocker Spaniel Saw Its Reflection In The Window of a Passing La Croix Energy Drink Promotional Hummer, Gweneth Paltrow's Life Changed Forever In 8 Distinct, Irreversible Ways. Click Through This List of The World's Hottest Oil Tycoons To Find Out How, Specifically!
48 x 60 in
acrylic and molding paste on canvas over panel
2018







27 Undoctored Photos of Betsy DeVos' Radioactive Gingerbread Learnin' Supercenter That Prove Camera Angle Is Everything. You Might Also Like: Transforming That Pesky White Guilt Into The Perfect Paleo Deviled Eggs, If You're Into That Kind of Thing
60 x 60 in
acrylic and molding paste on canvas over panel
2018







36 of The Most Gut-Wrenching Breakfast Fail Videos of 2007 and 16 VERY Helpful Tips On How To Cook Eggs In Under 20 Seconds That Will Make You Want To Join a Cult IMMEDIATELY. Semper Fi!
60 x 60 in
acrylic and molding paste on canvas over panel
2018







Give Your Man The Gender Reveal of His Dreams With Cracker Barrel's New FREE Virtual Reality App
50 in
acrylic and pumice gel on canvas over panel
2018






Slam Dunk This Special 68th Anniversary Edition of Dianetics On Your First Try and You Could Win a One Billion Year Supply of Broccoli-Cheddar Hot Pockets! Click Here To Skip This Step
30 in
acrylic and pumice gel on canvas
2018







Is That a Tiki Torch In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Unhappy To See Me And The Other Top 56 Most Underrepresented Interns at Celebrity Rehab Reunion Toppling The Cast Silicone, Dildo-esque Statue of Dr. Drew Pinsky From Atop The Downtown Los Angeles Carl's Jr.?
30 x 40 in
acrylic and sand on canvas over panel
2018







Has Anyone Seen My Copy of Richard Spencer's Self-Help Book On CD Rom 'Helping Me Help You Help Me Realize a Master Race of Gamestop Store Managers'? I Thought I Left It In This Soaking Wet Couch
16 x 20 in
acrylic on canvas over panel
2018







BREAKING: Pasadena Man's Brave Response To Waitress' Facebook Post Proves He Is 1000% Not Complicit In Rape Culture! And, 30 Photos of Real Avocado Toast You Will Never Not Believe Haven't Been Photoshopped (Must Be 21+ To View)
60 x 60 in
acrylic and sand on canvas over panel
2018







Find Out Once And For All If You've Spent The Past 49 Years Seeking Moral Guidance From a White Male God With This New, 100% Legal Cheese Powder Technology The Food Derivatives Industry Is Raving About! (WARNING: Graphic Content) Also, Don't Sleep on These Newest Trends In Cauliflower-Based Mattresses!
60 x 60 in
acrylic and sand on canvas over panel
2018






Like, Yes, I Get It, And I'm Not Sympathizing With Him, But How Does He Deserve To Have The Entire Contents of His 20,000 Square Foot Key Chain Hand Sanitizer Museum Repossessed, Dumped Alongside The Freeway, And Potentially Crushed Under The Weight of 100 Buffalo Stampeding Towards The Last Remaining Chick-Fil-A? Just Seems Unfair, Like Where's The Line?
30 in
acrylic and pumice gel on canvas
2018






Feminism as an Effective Tool in Buttressing The Patriarchy, Chapter One: How To Co-opt The Nuances of Any Women's Rights Movement To Enhance Your Personal Brand and Social Standing As a Progressive Colonial Man (PCM) In Contemporary Western Society
40 in
acrylic and pumice gel on canvas
2018






Hey Has Anyone Seen My VHS Copy of Weekend At Bernie Sanders'?
30 in
acrylic and sand on canvas
2017







White People and Decorative Gourds: A Comprehensive Survey of a Rich Cultural Tradition That You Wouldn't Think Involves Genocide But Honestly Probably Does
48 x 48 in
acrylic and sand on canvas over panel
2017






Sea Horse Ornament On Sale at Michaels Due To High Demand Despite Choking Hazard Recall
40 in
acrylic and sand on canvas
2017







LIFE HACK: Transform Your Complacent Racism Into The Cute Look For Fall You Never Knew You Needed With Just a Rubber Band, a Toilet Paper Tube, a Sensory Deprivation Chamber, And 4,500 Boxes of Frosted Flakes (For Building an Effective Physical Barrier Between You And Your Fears!)
72 x 84 in
acrylic on canvas
2017







How Many Clicks Does It Take To Get To The Center of The Internet Where Peace And Love Reside? Find Out If You Know Yourself With This Quiz Designed To Analyze Your Click Style. Click Like Now For Instant Material Rewards.
72 x 84 in
acrylic and sand on canvas
2017






Purchase 8 High Octane Gatorades From The Downtown Providence 7-Eleven Late Night Menu And Find Out Which Impossibly Adorable Dog Meme Corresponds With Your Deepest Existential Longing For Meaningful Human Connection! Sponsored By Pitbull
60 in
acrylic and sand on canvas
2017







OMG! A Simple Cheeseburger Dosed With 4 Hours of 5 Hour Energy Sparked A Chain Of Events That Altered This Man's Latent Homophobia Forever. Then He Did The Unthinkable! Unrelated: 14 Affordable Ways To Vape The Patriarchy
72 x 96 in
acrylic and pumice gel on canvas
2017






What You Might Be Doing Wrong With Your Face To The Detriment of Your Social Status, And How To Fix It With These 11 Chemical-Reconstitutors Found In Everyday Household Products! (Hint: Kraft Singles Make a Great Mask, And Yes, The Results Are Incredible!)
60 in
acrylic and sand on canvas
2017







WOW! That Feeling When You Find Out a Clay Pig Is Actually a Living, Breathing Embodiment of The Top 10 MOST INSANE Grilled Cheeses of All Time! Subscribe And Like To Vote For President, Or Don't, Whatever
72 x 84 in
acrylic and sand on canvas
2017






69 Artifacts That Prove This Haunted Fraternity Trafficked Pre-Fab Trauma Inside Bespoke Gatorade Bottles
40 in
acrylic and sand on canvas
2017







19 Times Your Weed Dealer Predicted The Future And The 20 Obscure Conspiracy Theories That Have Come To Light As a Result And The Proof The Government Doesn't Want You To See! Watch Til The End For A Chance To Win Some Tangible Control of Your Existence
48 x 48 in
acrylic and sand on canvas over panel
2017






People Are Losing Their Minds Over What This Seriously Breakthtaking Wolf Told His Tax Preparer After Taking An Online Quiz Asking Him To Identify The Click Value of 230 Epic Animals Fails! And: 49 Inactions That Can Discretely Enhance Your Privilege. Also: The Dark Truth About Waterslides
40 in
acrylic and sand on canvas
2017






Just Two Honest Bros Doing Their Best To Make a Reservation at Guy Fieri's Restaurant While Simultaneously Ensuring The Rule of an Authoritarian State - Uh, I Mean, It's Cool, Everything Is Fine! Hey, Is That an Egg Salad Slider or Jeff Sessions? You Won't Believe What Happens Next!
60 in
acrylic and sand on canvas
2017







What He Saw When He Looked Deep Into The Eyes of His Sheep Was Nothing Short of an Existential Apocalypse Mini-Docuseries Starring Sean Spicer as Kevin James, and The Cast of Chopped: Jersey Shore (Grad School Edition!) As Beams of Light, Out This Fall on The Disney Channel. Watch Til The End!
36 x 36 in
acrylic and sand on canvas over panel
2017






It's Not You, It's My Lobster' and 120 Other Award-Winning Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Social Networking Strategy Chapter Books to Keep Them (And You!) Guessing Who You Really Are Inside Your Chrome Husk. Psychologists Agree, It's Not Advisable!
23 in
acrylic and sand on canvas over panel
2017







When I Saw Gwen Stefani's Miniature White Chocolate Kitchen My Jaw Dropped, All My Hair and Teeth Fell Out, and I Impulsively Started My Own Web-Based Lifestyle Branding Pop-Up Fragrance Experience (Scientists Were Shocked!) Featuring 72 Must-Have Human Rights You Won't Believe Really Exist, But That Really Do Exist At The Bottom of Oreo Pence's Pool Full of Listerine, Watch Til The End!
48 x 48 in
acrylic and sand on canvas over panel
2017







ExistentialRoundUp.Gov Top Weekly Clicks: What Type of Motocross-Themed French Onion Chili Cheese Log Do You Need In Your Life Just in Time for Soul Cavity Bleaching Week™? The Results Will Shock You! WATCH: Meaningful Video Appears To Show Fetus Pumping Gas From Within The Womb! And, 25 Life Hacks That Transform Ordinary Household Objects Into Cute Mason Jar Organizers For All Your Whiteness, Cheesecake Ideas! Click Like
60 x 60 in
acrylic and sand on canvas over panel
2017







14 Real Life Billionaires You Won't Believe Really Exist and Decide the Fate of the Free World on Behalf of the Cast of 'The Real World: Middle Earth,' Including Fashion Santa, Big Pharma, Whoever Starred In 'Maniac Cop 3,' an Actual Ghoul, and a Cartoon Evangelical Kangaroo! Click Here and Comment AMEN to Live out the Rest of Your Life as a Golden Retriever!
60 x 60 in
acrylic on canvas over panel
2017







30 Most Shockingly Gorgeous Stars Who Became Monsters After Learning This One Trick That Culd Change Everything About The Way You See This Video: Hot Wife Cooks What For Husband After Sees Him With These Top 30 Celebrity Tummy Tuck Nightmares, Your Jaw Will Drop!
54 x 54 in
acrylic on linen
2016







If you stop reading this u will die my name is terra fidalgo if u don't post this on 20 more photos I will sleep with you 29 days later her mom dies search me up I'm real
24 x 30 in
acrylic on canvas over panel
2016







Life Hack: You Won't Believe This 53 Million Dollar Home Made Only With Lays Mashed Potatoes! Also, What Your Fish Might Be Saying About You
12 x 12 in
acrylic on canvas over panel
2016







Stuffed Cartoon Woodchuck at Church Yard Sale Sees The Future Through a Crack in The Patriarchy's Palm; What Happens Next Will Leave You Wondering How They Fit All That Cheese In There!
12 x 12 in
acrylic on canvas over panel
2016







Your Holiday Twelve-Step Guide To Exploiting Weakness In Others For Personal Gain In General and Specifically For a Leg-Up On Opening Your Own Discount Atomic Wings Supercenter
12 x 12 in
acrylic on canvas over panel
2016







39 Hottest Clues That Your Landlord's Van Might Be On Fire
24 x 24 in
acrylic on canvas over panel
2016







Cool Cool Cool Cool Cool Cool Cool Cool
24 x 30 in
acrylic on linen over panel
2016







Nites of the Round Table Meet at Local Red Robin to Discuss Stock Market, BET Awards, Strawberry Flavored Milk, Some Other Stuff
23 in
acrylic and pumice gel on canvas over panel
2016







Ted Cruz and Tom Cruise and Ted Bundy Take Poppers on Tropical Cruise Simulator at King of Prussia Mall (King of Prussia, PA), Dedicate Lives to Edible Arrangement Innovation Culture
23 in
acrylic and sand on canvas over panel
2016







Post-Plastic Surgery Nuclear Meltdown Evening Ski Constitutional on Jupiter With Marshalls Applewhite, Halloween 2069
24 x 30 in
acrylic on canvas over panel
2015







Gingerbread Woman 2016 Does What The Fuck She Pleases, Quaaludes On A Windy Day
24 x 30 in
acrylic and sand on canvas over panel
2015







Four Wizards Marching
6 x 8 in
acrylic on panel
2015







Free Stuff / Misc / Etc / Ghosts
20 x 24 in
acrylic and pumice gel on panel
2015







YouTube Channels Features Nondescript Man Sculpting Foam Avatars For Every One of His Multiple Personalities, Raccoon Videos, One Suspenseful InDesign Tutorial
23 in
acrylic and sand on panel
2015







Hells Angels Break Into Stop'N'Shop In Hudson, MA, Reenact Scene From 'Son In Law' In Which Pauly Shore Wears The Fruit Hat
30 x 40 in
acrylic and sand on panel
2015







38 Slushy Recipes That Will Make You Reconsider Everything You Thought You Knew About Your Husk of a Soul
14 x 18 in
acrylic on panel
2015







Redux
11 x 14 in
acrylic on panel
2015







K.A.L.E. Rules Everything Around Me
16 x 20 in
acrylic and sand on panel
2015







Woman From Subway and Costanza Mid-Robbery
20 x 24 in
acrylic and sand on panel
2015







George And Jerry Meet With NBC Executives Forever
30 x 30 in
acrylic on panel
2015







You Won't Believe Your Eyes When You See This Exciting New Prototype For Froot Loops Concept Media LLC 4.0
16 in
acrylic on panel
2014







Season 6, Episode 9: 'The Jimmy' - Variations Of
24 x 30 in
acrylic on panel
2014







Nephew Interrupts Thanksgiving Dinner To Announce Plans To Open Head Shop For Dogs Called 'Air Bud,' Is Looking For Investors
20 x 24 in
acrylic and sand on panel
2014







Quack Is Wack
11 x 14 in
acrylic and sand on panel
2014







You Could Win Up To $200,000 Cold Hard Cash Towards Your Next Set of Meditations on Captain Ron! Click Here To Apply Now
24 x 30 in
acrylic and sand on panel
2014







Helen Hunt's 1968 Snow Globe Containing Vision of Future 1994 Grocery List, Mariah Carey CD
16 in
acrylic and sand on panel
2014